You fall for what feels almost real, almost enough

She pointed out the way I see the world…

My views

My reasoning

She said I live in a dream

Like wanting depth is naive

Like the word love is a curse

Like dreaming is dangerous

Wanting more than the ordinary makes my mind wrong

She was right

My mind lives far from reality

My spirit stretches past reality

She was right

I live in my mind

I survive in my mind

And to survive is to pretend

To believe in something more than what’s in front of me

I wish I could explain the feeling I get when I watch fictional love stories

This out of body experience that finds me

Where love is art

And in that suspended minute

this world… this life… feels foreign

And in that suspended minute

“I don’t belong here.”

I belong in the pages

In the scenes

That feel more like home than the one I’m in ever will

I always thought love

My love

Would feel like art

Like in the stories

artful, consuming, honest

With someone who creates, who feels, who imagines…

With someone who wants more from life

Someone like me

Someone who can sit in a quiet room and still hear music

Now…?

Now I know

There is no reason in love

It just happens

You fall.

But how…
How do I stay in love with someone who accepts the world as it is

Who only sees through their scars

Who believes magic is a lie

Who thinks wonder and fantasy are things you outgrow

Who cannot and might never meet me in the sky?

How do I stay in something

That doesn’t feel like the love I always believed in

Will I spend my life explaining

That I don’t live in a world that makes sense

I live in feeling

And most times that makes me feel alone?

Now…?

Now I know

There is no reason in love

It just happens

You fall

You fall for

what feels almost real

almost enough…

You fall.

I think I’m becoming less afraid of death

Not because I understand it

I don’t

I probably never will

But I take pride

In my imagination

How far it can stretch

How wide it can wander

How long it stays

Where no one else

is willing to stay

And yet…

I treated death like a wall

As if my imagination

Wild as it is

Suddenly wasn’t enough

To hold a mystery that big

How small it must be

If I only believe what I see

Only trust 

What I can prove

The endless possibilities…

I’m not saying I understand it

I’m saying

I no longer need to

There is no reason in love

You don’t choose 

Not the moment 

Not the man

You don’t choose 

Not in his goodness 

Not in his flaws 

You don’t choose 

You simply fall

We are often told everything in life is fate

But love

Love is the only thing that escapes the script

The only thing that defies fate 

It begins in silence 

Long before the word love dares to arrive

And by the time you accept it

You’ve already loved him

Long before you ever knew

Only artists allowed in my house

Yes

Writers

Dancers

Producers

Storytellers

Truth tellers

I want them all

When I become a parent?

Best believe

I am raising a tribe

of loud, expressive, artistic little humans

Only artists allowed in my house

We are not  prepping for board meetings

We are not dreaming rockets to Mars

We are writing monologues

We are throwing it down in dance battles

We are performing songs at the dinner table

We are painting how we feel

not just what we see

I am raising a tribe of expressive

free thinking

soul speaking

artistic little humans

Only artists allowed in my house

We are not talking about the next Elon Musk

We are talking about the next Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

We are talking art

We are talking intention

Only artists allowed in my house

Because I had to bow to reality

Because money talks

And bills?

Bills are loud

I’ll be the sacrifice

so you can be the song

I’ll be the silence

so you can be the sound

I’ll teach you imagination

My God given weapon

That feeling is strength

That creation is holy

That a creator lives

in music, in poem

in paint, in beats

in passion performed

I’ll teach you

In this house

Art is not a hobby

Art is not optional

Art is breath

Art saves

Art is life

And when people ask

“What do your kids want to be when they grow up?”

I’ll smile

I’ll say

They’re going to be artists

And in this house?

That’s the highest calling there is

Because Only artists allowed in my house

No one was better than the other. No one played servant.

In an apartment found in the lively forest of Marawood lived Jerry Baboon and Lisa Jackal. They had just moved in together and were learning the delicate dance of sharing a home. Jerry had grown up watching Mama Baboon do all the cooking while Papa Baboon sat waiting, hands folded, for his hot and tasty meals. To Jerry that was simply how things were done.

Lisa on the other hand had grown up in a different world. In her home Daddy Jackal often cooked, cleaned and helped around the house. Mummy Jackal cooked, Lisa too and so did Lisa’s brothers. To her anyone could and should help with the house chores.

Lisa did not mind cooking, in fact she loved to cook. Her soups and stews were often praised. But what she did not like was the idea of someone sitting around waiting like royalty, while she ran around the kitchen every single evening.

So one day she decided to wait too. She sat, folded her hands and watched. Days passed. The hunger and judgement in Jerry’s eyes grew stronger each evening. But people adjust quickly when hunger outweighs pride. And so one evening, tired and starving, Jerry threw his hands in the air and said, “Fine! I’ll cook!” He chopped, he stirred and soon a delicious meal was ready. But instead of calling Lisa to the table, he sat down, crossed his arms and said, “I cooked. But to set the food on the table, I will not. You will have to serve me… that I cannot do.” Lisa smiled and then she burst out laughing. She laughed so hard tears fell down her face. But she served the food anyway. After all Jerry cooking at all was progress. She made a quiet note in her heart.

The next month Lisa cooked. When she was done, she placed the pot on the counter, grabbed a book, and sat down. Time went by and eventually, Jerry wandered into the kitchen. “No food on the table? I thought I smelled something being cooked.” Lisa looked up, smiled and said, “Oh, food is ready. But to set the food on the table, I will not. You’ll have to serve me… that I cannot do.” Jerry laughed. They both laughed and from that day something shifted.

Sometimes Jerry cooked and sometimes Lisa did. They shared the little tasks in between and eventually they got help and focused on other things. But one thing remained. No one was better than the other. No one played servant. Because in Marawood, true friends know that even dinner tastes better when made and shared together. It’s not about who cooks and who doesn’t, it’s about lending a helping hand to someone you love.

Just not now

I think I can finally name it

It’s not fear

It’s not emptiness

It’s love

I want someone I can love

I truly do

Just…not now

I’m not running from love

I haven’t locked that door

Just…not now

Now?

I’m learning

I respect love too much to welcome it with confused hands

Because when it’s time

I want to meet love awake

Truly me

Not hoping to feel at home in someone else’s eyes

But at home in my own

So until then

I don’t want to make the mistake of filling confused spaces with temporary people

I do want someone I can love

Just not now

And for the first time in a long time

That feels okay

Hand in Hand

Hand in Hand God

My connection to You 

has not always been loud

It has not always been clear

Most times it’s quiet

But somewhere in my heart

You remain certain

You have always been there

I don’t know what it was

Or what exactly changed

But something stirred in me this weekend Something that had been waiting a long time to wake

And now?

No more distance

We walk together

Hand in Hand

You walk where love is found

You dwell where understanding grows

You stay where time is made for You

You lift me when I don’t know I’m sinking

You hold me when I fall

You dance with me in joy

And when hope runs thin

I find my strength again and again

I’m not a good person

Not always 

But I live with the regret of my choices 

The pain of my choices

And yet still you stay 

You stay 

And so now?

No more distance

We walk together

Hand in Hand

Even when everything changes

And it will change

Because life does not follow a perfect plan

I will choose trust

I will choose love

I will choose You

And if there is anything I know for sure

It’s this

Whatever comes

We walk together

Hand in Hand

*I think I desperately needed someone to wake me up

Wake me up from the insanity of repeating the same thing over and over*

He took that from me

I still remember the phone notes

The simple poems you used to write

It feels like such a long time ago

I don’t remember the exact words

Just… the feeling

Back then, I thought they were silly

I felt awkward reading them while you stood there watching

But now I realize… it wasn’t the poems

It was me

It’s always been me

I wasn’t used to being loved

I didn’t know how to receive it

I didn’t even know how to feel it right

I had never known what safety felt like

Not until you

So I asked you something

Do you remember?

“Why me?”

And you said,

“It’s a feeling I can’t possibly explain”

But I begged you to try

I kept pushing

“Please, just try to explain”

I needed something to hold on to

And finally, you gave in

You looked at me and said,

“I just have this strong feeling that I was made for you. Everything about you feels right. It’s like I was placed on this earth to love you… to be with you… to protect you. And I want to do exactly that. The word ‘love’ doesn’t fully describe what I feel for you.”

I think that was the moment

The one people talk about

when they say they fell helplessly, ridiculously in love

Never had I felt that before

And if I’m honest…

Even now, I don’t think I’ve ever been safe enough to feel that way again

And for a second, I was angry

Not at you

But at the hand that reached without permission

At what had been taken from me

At what had been taken from us

Not because I owed it to you

But because I know you would have held it, held me, differently

And because it should have been you

And for a second, I was angry

He took that from me

He took that from you

And for a second, I was angry

At the wound I’ve carried so quietly

Angry that I didn’t feel whole enough

There is a stillness I feel only when I am lost in a story

There is a scene in Episode 3 of The Wife on Showmax that I do not think I will ever get over.  At first, I did not understand why, but now I think I do. It speaks to a version of me I have not yet allowed myself to explore, a version I am too afraid to voice. So, I hide behind the words, “If I could do life again.”

If I could do life again, I think I would go to film school. Maybe study creative writing too. But more than anything, I think I want to learn how to build worlds out of dialogue. I want to create realities out of emotions, and even more, out of thoughts.

If I could do life again, I’d like to be surrounded by artists. People who believe in the power of storytelling, people like me, who know it is the only thing holding life, holding people together. I have this theory; love is just another form of storytelling. We talk so much about self love, but if that were enough, why do we still crave for someone to share life with? Why do we still long to experience love through the eyes of another? I think it is because, deep down, we all need a witness, someone to see our story, someone to remember.

There is a stillness I feel only when I am lost in a story. It is the loudest feeling I know and the most honest. My thoughts come to life. You should see the magic they create.  But the story ends. It always ends, and I return to my reality. I hate that part. It leaves me feeling a little too sad, because no matter how real they feel, thoughts are just that, thoughts.

Maybe I will not know rest until I yield to this calling.

Until I stop running from the stories inside me.

The truth is, I do not know how.

I do not know how to let go and start again.

There is a fear that settles on my chest every time I try.

I am not even sure I can.

If I am being honest, I am still here because of shows like The Wife❤️. I have always turned to on screen storytelling as an escape. It has always had the power to pull me out of the dark, to immerse me so deeply that, for a while, all I can feel is safe, alive, and present.

What if tomorrow begins without me

Lying on my bed

Drowning in thoughts of how life can be beautiful in the day

Yet melt slowly into death at night

I wonder why shadows feel like false promises of life

I can’t help but think
What if tomorrow begins without me
My life and death summed up in a single eulogy

Forced to accept the randomness of it all
Where everything else dissolves
Into hollow air and fading memories