Alignment

I thought finding alignment

especially in work

It had to be difficult

A prize buried in thorn and stone

It had to come with struggle

It had to come with endless looking

So I tried

Every desperate reach

to feel at home

I tried

I’ve tried it all

But nothing fits

Maybe this is just what growing up feels like

waking up anxious, empty and lost

I begged for a sign

But silence answered

I questioned every choice

Until my soul drained

Until my mind broken

I gave up

So I stay

in a job that steals the little light I have

I feel stuck

I tell myself: push through

be grateful

But each day I do

I feel myself slowly disappearing

Something is off

I feel it

I think this is what being misaligned feels like?

A betrayal of self?

This is what it feels like?

What if I’m wrong?

What if this emptiness…

this weakness…

is a message?

What if it’s not something to push through, but something to listen to?

I believe the divine…

the meaningful…

the right path…

I believe is simple

It’s not easy but clear

It’s not easy but grounded

It’s not easy but also not lost in confusion

So I tell God

This hurts
I don’t think I’m okay

I don’t think I’ve been okay for a long time

This thing

my life

my work

this daily performance

it hurts

So I tell God…

I need You to show me something different

I’m tired of pretending I’m okay

I want more

I need alignment

I need peace

I deserve to feel alive in what I do

I don’t need to have everything figured out

But this pain…

it hurts

We talk so much about “calling” and “passion,”

like they are grand, dramatic things

But maybe alignment is just a pull towards peace

Towards what uses your gifts

Towards what lets you breathe

Towards what doesn’t require you

to abandon yourself just to survive

If it feels overly complicated

maybe it’s not your path

Maybe the confusion is a sign

you’re reaching for something

that was never meant for you

Because the divine…

the meaningful…

the right path…

is usually simple

Even if it costs you

Even if it means walking away

to finally stand in places where you feel true

Is usually simple

And yes

there’s grief in that

There’s grief in walking away from safety

There is fear in walking away from safety

I hope one day I’ll wake up to this:

“My days look nothing like before. Less impressive to the world. But every morning I wake up and breath.Finally.A peaceful feeling. Some days are still hard. Some days I question. But this time, the pain is not coming from misalignment. it comes from growth.”

And that

that is a pain I can live with

Because the only thing that truly fits

is that I love to write

I love documenting my thoughts

to share

with anyone who cares to read

I love stories

I see sanity in insanity

beauty in the wild differences

of our minds

I have always questioned

always kept asking

This can’t be it

Money? Social class?

Power?

This can’t be it

My soul has always felt like home

and maybe that’s why I can’t betray it

and still walk away sane

So I tell God

And I keep trying